When Is It Too Soon? Who Determines The Time In Which We Mourn?

When we have friends, spouses or family members diagnosed with a terminal illness are we prepared for everything that goes along with it? The time, the support, the love, the mental state of our friend, family member or spouse? Of course not.  I don't think anyone is fully prepared.

The reactions of all are so unpredictable. Are some of our reactions warranted?  Maybe, maybe not.  Personally I'm 50/50 on the issue.  There is no clearly defined path.

I reflect over the past 12 years in which my neighbors shared a part of my heart.  Shirley, given less than 5 years to live after a lung transplant,  outlived the odds.  She maintained and prepared her family as much as she could for things to come, as God prepared her for her journey.  December 16, 2010 we Celebrated Shirley's Life. No more pain, her spirit soaring high. Her family....feeling lost and alone, because their rock had to move on.  I watched her husband stagger to his feet as they closed her coffin, sobs to be heard outside of the sanctuary it seemed.   There was no doubt that Sam loved his wife.  No doubt that Sam was in love with his wife. The knowledge of his love for Shirley was not enough to prepare someone looking from the outside in for the sequence of events that occurred.  

Six months after Shirley was laid to rest another woman introduces herself as Sam's ex-wife and is now living with Sam.  The initial reaction on my part was a bit of anger encompassed by Whys, Hows and Blank Stares.   My anger subsided rather quickly. Why? Because I have not walked in Sam's footprint.  I cant say that I fully understand the pain he felt losing his wife to a well fought fight.  

A number of questions fall into play. These questions may not  exactly fit this scenario, but they are questions to think about nonetheless.   Was the relationship coming to a close prior to the diagnosis? Was the surviving spouse there to the end as support? Was there a decision made between the two, for the other to move on with their life as quickly as possible? We as the outsiders looking in truly do not know. Another thought, no matter how CLOSE we consider ourselves to be to any one person, no matter how much we THINK we know about any one person, we ONLY KNOW what they want us to know. I'm not discrediting the friendship wherein there is the feeling that we have been privy to most things, but it is what it is.  

It's human nature to hurt and ask why as a friend and on the behalf of the deceased. It's human nature to feel betrayed and feel as though the deceased has been betrayed. The feeling of betrayal cutting you so deep, I get it.  However I've had to ask myself on more than one occasion 'Are these actions, feelings and reactions in line with God's way?'.  It's actually a simple answer; yet an internal challenge.  

We are works in progress, we can't determine what time frame is or is not proper for grieving. It's in God's hands.