This isn't so much an eloquent piece, but it is nonetheless thoughts within.
When you as a friend, an innocent by stander, family member or just a lover of mankind are exposed to others that may be experiencing their world being turned upside down, you are typically one that will go out of your way to offer assistance. Providing whatever charitable donations you are able to give for the cause. You extend a hand to help in the time of need or you are there to just listen and offer support. When your friend or family member etc tells you that they have a terminal illness, whether it be any form of cancer, a rare disease or even an incurable disease your heart goes out to them. I can speak for myself and wish that I could act as John Coffee did in the Green Mile and remove their illness with a touch. I know I'm not God, nor have I been granted any healing powers but I do wish sometimes I was able to help so many in need.
The tables turn and WOW instead of you receiving that dreadful news about a loved one, you receive THAT news about you possibly having cancer or you have been diagnosed with an incurable disease. The waves of emotions flooding your very being. Emotions are greedy little suckers. They take you and beat you down like you stole something, then they have the nerve to ask "Is that ALL you've got?" One part of you wants to say 'yes' another part sits in limbo trying to absorb what has just occurred. Asking the questions, How?, Why?, Why Me?, What did I do to deserve this? Or thoughts of "This doesn't run in my family". The list grows and the answers seem out of reach.
Day 1 through as many as it takes. Appointment after appointment. The poking and prodding with needles, answering the same questions over and over. Then trying to deal with scheduling time off from work without the entire company knowing your business. Hiding the tears from those closest to you. Especially when you have set this precedence of being 'The Rock'. But all you want to do is crawl into a ball in the corner and cry. Its funny you have to schedule times to cry. Shower seems to work best. The thought of the illness is chipping away at what you thought to be 'you'. You feel you are no longer the POSITIVE FORCE. However you are trying to excercise your faith, but as humans yes we falter at times. We are continued works in progress.
With emotions still running rampant, you wish like hell there would be a definitive answer just as quickly as the issue was found. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. We need to run more test. We need to schedule surgery,(please have someone with you for support) then we have to run more test. Draw more blood, obtaining a complete CBC(complete blood count). We should know something in 5 - 10 days. We need a second & third opinion just to be sure your test results are not a false positive. What the hell is a false positive? We're sorry but Dr. So n So is on vacation for the entire month of October; however we do have another associate, Dr. Quackenstein, whom is new to the practice if you would like to consult with them.
The day of knowing. As it would stand you want someone with you during the time of knowing. THAT day is finally here. A day of celebration and/or acceptance. You have already mentally prepared yourself for either answer. If its necessary to use a cane and a walker. It's going to be a fashionable one. May have to invest in one to coordinate with the outfits...got to coordinate. If chemo is necessary...short hair has been maintained for at least 20 years now. If the hair has to be a little shorter, it will be an added fashion statement. Short hair rocks people. We are not our hair.
Do not perceive my above statements as being non-caring or viewing these things lightly. It is me still remaining positive, that ROCK, though part of me has been chipped away. I'm still here with others to speak on it as well. For this I am grateful to GOD and those around me whom are constant mountains of love and stability. For those that have already transitioned their testimony should still be fresh in our minds and hearts, we just need to view the bigger picture.
I guess in this entry I just want to share that we need to stop the bickering amongst family and friends. Enjoy those that make you happy, accept those that don't because we are all God's children. We know not the time nor the hour. What we should keep in mind always is that each of us has a purpose. A purpose not always defined by books or what knowledge we THINK we have. You can't spend your every waking hour trying to please and live how you think others would have you to or in fear of what others may think. The choice and opportunity is yours. You just have to want it, acknowledge it, allow it to work for you and you for it.
For all(men & women) please make sure you obtain your yearly check ups. Men...its better to get that cough out of the way now instead of waiting until its too late. Ladies...self breast exams and Mammograms a MUST. We have to know our bodies and be aware of when things don't seem quite right. Overcome the fear of knowing. Not knowing not only hurts you, but those around you.
Skin I'm In
